The Christian Dilemma

I titled this post “The Christian Dilemma,” because I have greatly struggled with being a follower of Jesus, yet dealing with anxiety and depression. I have experienced guilt, embarrassment, and anger. The guilt and embarrassment stemmed from the misconception that, as a Christian, I just “needed more faith.” The anger has previously been targeted at God, thinking that He would just “take it all away” if he truly loved me. There have been moments that I have held bitterness towards God for allowing me to have such crippling anxiety, ultimately holding Him responsible.

I believe most of the guilt and embarrassment is rooted in the lie that as a Christian, one should not chronically deal with anxiety or depression. I could probably quote almost every scripture related to anxiety in the Bible, because for a long time, I believed that I just needed more faith or to pray more in order to feel better. Unfortunately, many pastors, with pure intentions, preach this from stage. Their lens of anxiety is only spiritual. Believing that anxiety and depression is only spiritual is narrow-minded.  

Because the fact is, that anxiety is not just spiritual. Anxiety is not always a deficiency in prayer, faith, or scripture memorization. Anxiety is very much biochemical, physiological, AND spiritual. Why, when we experience anxiety do we have symptoms such as rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, digestive issues, poor mental clarity, irritability, among other things? Because there are biochemical, physiological changes that are occurring in our bodies when we experience anxiety. God made us complex! There are days that no matter how much I read God’s Word or pray, the cloud of heaviness still does not lift. So, how as a Christian, do I make sense of all of this? If God were truly good, shouldn’t He take it away?

I recently finished reading a book titled, “Life of the Beloved,” by Henri Nouwen. In this book, the author, who is a Catholic priest, attempts to explain how to experience the spiritual life within a secular world to his friend who does not share his belief system about God. This is what I will try to do, attempt to share my spiritual experience related to anxiety with you, some of whom probably do not share the same belief system as I do. I do not have the intention of converting or convincing, just sharing my own thoughts/experience. His book taught me how I want to live out my struggle with anxiety, here is a quick summary: 

We are all the Beloved, specifically the Beloved of God. This is true, simply because we were created with intention and purpose, this makes us His Beloved. Regardless of where your beliefs lie regarding God, Jesus, etc., know that you were made with a purpose. Never an accident, each individual on this earth has the capability to live a life of meaning. 

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

It is easy to fall into the thought process of "my life has no meaning," or "I have no purpose." This type of thinking leaves us inward focused, bitter, and a victim to our suffering. We allow ourselves to stay in a place of uselessness, wasting the potential to be used for a greater purpose, that goes beyond ourselves. I truly believe that each person on this earth was made with intentionality, but it is our choice whether or not we walk in the purpose for which we were created. Once we know that we were made with intention, not haphazardly, we start to develop a deep sense of gratitude:

Recognizing that we are blessed. A heart of bitterness, resentment, and anger is very easy to acquire, but a heart of gratitude and thankfulness takes more effort. There are blessings all around us, but sometimes it takes slowing down to see them.

Do you ever slow down enough to appreciate the beauty around you? The beauty of new life, the sensation of the sun warming your body, the sound of rain pattering on the roof, the crisp feeling of winter air, the breath taking few of an Oklahoma sunset... the list could go on and on. We are surrounded by beautiful things, that should develop a sense of gratitude in our hearts. Unfortunately, when anxiety and depression come, it is easy to miss the beauty of life. 

This sounds kind of cheesy, I know, but really take time to acknowledge the blessings in your life today. Notice the simple things. Even the littlest thoughts of gratitude eventually will grow into a heart that is overflowing with thankfulness. 

The question still remains, though, can we still be full of gratitude even when we are experiencing brokenness? How do you find the blessings in the midst of pain and suffering? 

Brokenness. We all have experienced brokenness in some form. We live in a world full of heartache, hatred, division, and at times – pure evil. Brokenness often does not make sense to our human minds. There are things we cannot explain or comprehend fully. One constant that I have discovered through difficult times is this: my brokenness makes me realize my need for God’s grace. In my deepest struggles, I have to be fully reliant on His strength. My pain draws me closer to Him. I have had to come to accept that He is God, and I am not. God is good, full of love and compassion, but He is also willing to allow pain in His children’s lives if He knows it will draw them closer to Him.

Paul puts it very well in 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10, “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But each time He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“

Three times I begged the Lord to take it away…

I cannot count how many times I have asked the Lord to take the heaviness of depression and anxiety away, but He sometimes does not. So as a Believer, what we do? Well, we have two choices, 1) Allow our brokenness to rule our lives, becoming victims, and never experience true joy. We can be mad at God (which typically doesn’t turn out very good), leaving us with bitterness and hatred in our heart, or we can 2) Allow our brokenness to create a strength, resiliency, and joy that we can GIVE to others.

Notice that I said that we have a choice. My mom always told me, “Rachel, you cannot always control what life brings you, but you can control how you respond. You have a choice.”

When you start to change your perspective on brokenness, seeing it as a blessing that can be shared with others, you reach the final point discussed in the book, which is:

Given. We are Beloved, Blessed, Broken, so that we can be GIVEN. Over the past 6 months of being off of medication, I have struggled on and off with anxiety. To be completely honest, these past 3-4 months have been some of the hardest that I have had in quite some time. I have questioned my purpose and have wanted to throw in the towel. There have been many mornings on my knees, asking God to give me strength to get through the day. A big part of the reason that I have not posted in a while is because I felt discouraged, beat down, feeling as if I didn’t have anything to offer my readers. 

21 Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him; Lamentations 3:21-25

When I place my brokenness into the right perspective, seeing it as a blessing that can be shared with others, my anxiety no longer becomes a self-centered pity party, which is my human, natural response. It becomes a motivator to help other people who are in the valley, feeling as if there is no hope. The longing of my heart is that others will hear my story and have hope. 

Stay tuned, and you'll hear from me soon.